013. Stockton is located in Arizona.

If you dont understand that too well...its okay...neither did I..at first.

Happy Halloween! Be good. Dont be stupid.

My english teacher told me a story about how when he was young on halloween he would play football in the street before it got dark. He lived back east. After the game they would burn the multi leaves that had fallen into the streets from the trees. It was this cool fall tradition. Then he said when he turned 13 he stopped trick or treating and would get completely wasted each halloween. At 13 it was his first time drinking...and he wasnt sure how much he could consume. He ended up getting more drunk then planned and started egging. Now...normally...you would egg houses. Oh no...he egged people. His moral and reminder to all of us was do not drink jack and coke on halloween...and hit people with eggs at a close distance. It scarred him for life. But now he's got one hell of a story. =]



Not much to say. Softball has screwed me over in more ways than one. Transfering from sonoma to dvc has also screwed me over in more ways than one. And I now am forced to take 18 units next semester and still not reach my goal of 60 to transfer. Oh...the life of a wanderer ey? In better news I think I got a job at 24 hour fitness....hmmm go me?


Prettty sure weezy has done it again. And with Enrique in the background no less. Hmm...he's makin hits when all other options seems out the door. Ha. Check it...

Fly boy yeah right
Hey mamma they call me Weezy
You should be with me I gotta pocket full of reasons
Baby I can bless you when you
ain't even sneezing
I be at your rescue when you
don't even need me
I can have you dreaming when you even sleeping
Mamma I can help you get off like the weekend
You said what you wanna do

Now after you back it up just stop
Now drop it like its hot, and
pop it like a glock
And stop it like a watch, now move it like
Clockwork
Your body screaming and your
booty is an outburst
She wanna do it do it with no delay
I told her I can run it run it just like relay
'cause I'm cool, just like the breeze way
Now push it like salt and PE-PP-A.


Haha! Now...thats dope. =]


And again because pictures are..at times...prettier than words:

012. Relief cuts help carve pumpkins.

[Click to enlarge]





Before.








I made seeds. And had a fabulous time in doing so. =]










Guts...








Haha..Kait.







Verry sorry for my face.























Even dad wanted to help...unwillingly..kind of.


























Kait made stars.








I made mr. rasta...







Darcie made nightmare before christmas.









We had funnn. =]










And...I've come up with a slightly new, improved way for looking at the daily pieces of my life.

To me, whatever path I choose in life, whether good or bad, past or present, has a reason behind it. I may not be the holiest person I know, but I do know that I strongly believe in God. I know now that he doesnt create life to be always fair, but God is always faithful. In return, I must stay faithful back. Complaining doesn't help and to have change, I must create what I wish to see among myself because no one else can produce that. On the subject of others, I cannot change anyone. No matter how hard I try, everyone is individually wrapped. Whether they choose to stay that way, or fall under society's grasp...I cannot consider that my problem. There is no need for me to chase anybody with my heart who treats me as their option. I am not expendible. I will find what I need when the time is right. Beautiful days are surrounding me, and I finally have realized that the more time I concern myself with clouds, the less time I shall see the sun behind them. I am doing me. Its about time.


Insightful. Bold. True. Ashley.

011. You cut the engine when I'm all revvvved up.

Happy Saturdayyy.

Today is pumpkin carving day. I will attempt to carve a better pumpkin than both darcie and kaitlynn. I will probably fail in the attempt because darcie is an artist...and kaitlynn has patience. Haha. Pictures will be up of that tomorrow I'm thinking.

Hey big big thanks to everyone who has been reading this. I'm getting a lot of cool feedback from my poem site as well as this one. It means a lot to me that you put your eyes where my heart and mind have gone. Soo..thanks =].

Yesterday I went on a boat. It was fun. I didnt get eaten by a shark which was my number one worry...I'm kidding...sort of. I enjoy pools...and lakes. That conclusion came extremely easy after getting off the water of the bay. Oceans and bays give me weird vibes. Our lab teacher is quite possibly the coolest teacher I've ever had. Shes only about 24...and...kind of more like our equal? She brought her boyfriend along for the trip. We all had a cool time...laying on the front of the boat pretty much the entire day talking about random things. Cleared my head...which was the ultimate goal. I had to again take the good for the good and ignore the bad...which becomes quite hard while getting dissed..ehhh forget that.

And to your leffft we have my favorite person on earth:












Since yesterday was friday...and I didnt post my playlist for the week...here goes.

* Whisper - Ernie Halter.
* Suffocate - J. Holiday.
* Dig - Miguel.
* Soon the New Day - Talib Kweli ft Norah Jones.
* In all the wrong places - Windmills of the Soul.
* Everything I am - Kanye West.
* Drivin' Me Wild - Common ft Lily Allen.
* Someday we'll know - Switchfoot.
* Youre the One - Guerillas ft Mario Winans.
* I want you - Common.
* The light (remix) - Common.


Yes, common is quite the man of the weeeek.




Enjoi. =]

010. Venting does not do much.

Except it makes you feel 100 times better. Okay thats a lie. Not 100 times better. But 10...possibly.

So I've come to the realization that I'm second place at best. This does not mean I am disheartened over it...ashamed...or upset. It means I'm coming to realizations about myself and my own true character. This second place has nothing to do with the person I am, no. It has to do with relationships. Not friendships...not jobs...not school...not life. Relationships. I never speak of those. I usually write sappy def jam poems that I recite to myself daily in the place of an actual writing or conversation. I don't write about how I'm feeling in the midst of problems with anyone that I've givin my heart to. This has always seemed to just be a personal choice...and personal respect for myself. Announcing I'm happy, hurt, or sad based upon another person can be only that persons gratification or heartache. No one else is going to appretiate or regret how I'm feeling but the other person involved. Tonight just seemed like a good night to start and end my struggles with venting.

I'm always a second choice. A back up. If all else fails...I will either be waiting or conveniently placed in a position of weakness. Many mistake my kindness for weakness. I have to admit that I have even mistaked my kindness for weakness at times. I end up becoming engaged in the moment forgetting reality, thoughs, or the aftermath. I hand over my trust all too easily to many who aren't sure how to handle it. My heart does not go out to many...and when it does I always hope that it means something to someone other than just another heart. Its come to the point now that I almost never give away my heart. It is under lock and key. I did give it away recently...and had it thrown back...like a pass...slowly....slowly...dropped. With respect in tact by one single strand I give the benefit of the doubt. My mind says harsh words and even harsher thoughts that my voice would never convey. I accept that some just cant understand that I'm real...and every movement I make concerning love, like, or lust is taken seriously. I wouldnt mind the game, as I have often been the star player once before. I hung up the jersey in hopes to claim something a little larger and a little stronger. As I continue my search my heart still holds one in a corner pocket. Its not going to happen. I'm hurt now, past upset,and miles from angry.


Communication is key. Without it things are lost, forgotten, and broken. Even the grown should remember this...as intelligent as they may be.


My smile struggles.

009. And walls are built for us to go around. Or maybe, for us to be stopped in our tracks.

You're welcome for the longest blog title I could come up with in the history of my blog titles.



Not much to say. Its been a bummer of a two weeks. Thats for sure. It had its up points for a good two days...and then fell short again...and continues with the pattern. I cant complain about it all though. I'm not saying the whole day is bad. Just the general feeling of the end of it. Creating a beautiful day is much easier said than done. And in the end, I have learned oh so recently, the only things that matter are what we do..not what we say. For words are just words unless accompanied by works. Quote me because I've already claimed that line in a poem I conjured up about three weeks ago. Tayy claims im a buddhist for that line. I believe I'm on a straight path to getting there..but not there quite yet. I have the right mindset.

I have a new baby cousin. Congrats Dannnn. =]


And in closing..something I wrote a while back...

Thomas Jefferson was the smartest man of his time. He told us that we are givin life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Never once did he say life, liberty, and happiness. Why did he choose to put the word "pursuit" in the beginning? Why was he so brilliant in knowing that the future would hold so true for this statement? People dont understand the meaning of the statement because it has been repeated over and over and become embedded into our brains so we dont have to know the true meaning. Thomas Jefferson knew that we are gifted with life. We hold liberty because of where we live. Yet..happiness...the one thing people long for in their entire lives...is a search. This search happens daily without anyone actually knowing its going on. What makes one most happy? Money? Relationships? Family? Friends? Sex? Material? Its all relavent under one statement: we cannot be just gifted any of these things. People must work for money. Relationships take time and patience. Family is a battle with most and a gift if it ends up running smoothly. Friends? They are a battle constantly. Sex is a game that people play. Materials have taken over society. This longing for happiness is never gifted down. And maybe...just maybe...no one's meant to be happy...without work. Better yet...maybe...some just arent meant for that...if they arent willing to work. If they arent willing to sacrifice part of themselves in some way to make the happiness come true. Our past was right....pursuit is a brilliant word...to come before happiness.




You've put up a wall that I just cant tear down. At this point...I dont want to tear it down anymore even if I had the chance. I'm doing the only thing I can do now. Accepting it.


Aaaand because pictures are better than words at times:



=]

008. So thiings repeat themselves.

Here are some things ive been hearing for a while now from not one, but multiple people:

1. "Ohh so youre not playing anymore?"

2. "So where have you decided to go next year?"

3. "What are you majoring in?"

4. "You should come up here soon!"

5. *voicemail* "Hi, its mom/dad...just seeing where you..."

6. "Those feelings aren't coming out of nowhere."

7. "Ohh I love sidekicks I wish I had one!"

8. "You are a tremendous writer."

9. *voicemail* "Hi, its kait...busy as always..."

10. "Hey girl, hey."


Here are my responses...collectively...that way I can maybe take away curiosity. Although I dont mind the questions...or comments. I'm easy to please.

1. No. I'm not playing softball anymore. Yes, I miss it. No I don't regret that decision...not at all.

2. I have not decided on a school for next year just yet. I have narrowed it down to SF state, San jose state, or Northridge.

3. I have not decided a major. I know...I will be 20 and its time to figure that out, maybe. I take my time. I like a lot of things and quite frankly I'm not through exploring the options. Sue me.

4. I should travel many places to see many people soon. I do apologize for hiding. I can't help it if I enjoy my cave during this part of the school year. No worries...I will emerge quite soon.

5. Hey mom. Hey dad. I'm around.

6. Yeah..tell me about it. Making it priority number one when I am just option number 100000.

7. You can gladly have my sidekick. Find me and its yours. Haha.

8. Thank you. Writing is a passion.

9. Hey kait. I wish i still lived with ya. Hard days turn harder without ya.

10. Okay, hey girl hey.

007. Music describes moods better than Ashley could.

Soo...this blog just gets funner and funner with each passing day. Each Friday I've decided to do a recap of moods. These moods will be represented by a playlist. A playlist by yours truly. After you read the actual list you will feel inclined to go and download all of the songs immediately. Now....I do encourage you to download these. Yet...I dont promote illegal downloads sooo dont blame me if you get fined massive amounts of money for stealing...pirating...whaaatev. Shh. I do it too..maybe. This will go Sunday through Friday. Saturday is exempt because I feel the same every single saturday....relaxed. Add your own song for that day. Hooray...I begin.


Each day gets better - John Legend.
Mind Sex - Dead Prez.
Reaching - Jason Reeves.
Silly Puddy - ZION I.
Can't stay the same - Saves the day.
When I get home, youre so dead - Mayday Parade.
When the sun comes up - John Legend.
What goes around - Justin Timberlake.
You remind me - Usher.










Juuust two off that list that I'll share with ya.

And if the playlist wasnt enough for you:

"We are not what we think or say we are. Not what we hope, not what we pretend we are. We are simply what we do."


Live Beautifully.

006. I like caves.

Main Entry: con·fused.
Pronunciation: conˈfyüzd.
Function: adjective.

1 a: being perplexed or disconcerted b: disoriented with regard to one's sense of time, place, or identity

2: being disordered or mixed up

Moral of the definition?...I hate that word, the meaning, aaand the feeling all tied together with both the word && feeling.


In other news..today was not half bad. It turned out to be extremely warm which in turn made me feel quite upset at myself for choosing to wear a jacket. Also, I'm trying to locate a tree on my block that has begun getting pollen all over my car each and every morning. I enjoy my car green...not yellow, as much as I do enjoy that color as well. Its almost the weekend and I've survived week two of midterms. I have about another week left of those wretched things and then it will be smooth sailing. Oh who am I kidding...its never smooth sailing. Teachers enjoy making three weeks of midterms to prolong activity for themselves. After those three weeks it becomes preparation for finals. The days never end and are seemingly looking all the same lately. Its quite odd yet understandable. Kaitlynn will be home tomorrow...as will Dani. I miss them quite terribly and I can then emerge from my cave and smile and play for a while.

The days pass by quite quickly...despite the one thing on my mind that makes me confused [see above for definition]. Thats okay though. A beautiful outlook on life is what I maintain. That is achieved only through a few things I will show below. I thank each and every one of them for making me a beautiful soul. For they themselves are beautiful in their own, amazing ways.

Kait and Darcie.










Dani Freshness AKA Yoda AKA my lover.










Taylor.













Arizona Green Tea.












That's all for today. I hope everyone has created themselves a beautiful day.

005. And I'm on a roll.

Ashes to ashes and us til dust.
I might use that line if I really did have trust.
Or an “us” for that matter. No matter I still like the line.
First operations from locations undiscovered and unreleased.
Now I’ve ceased all movements trying to claim your attention.
I haven’t felt strong or strung along for a long..long…time.
Outa sight outa mind is the motto among the girl.
The girl meaning me and the motto meaning I. don’t. care.
Yet I do because to think of a line and to waste the time to represent that something is not so fine.
I wish I didn’t have the mind that waits by the phone.
I wish my face could easily represent the fake tone in my voice.
I’d rejoice secretly if I heard the buzz on my nightstand.
Maybe busy is a word I have used too casually
For the casualty that I have self proclaimed on my own heart.
I don’t wish to start over because patterns seem to occur with each and every person stepping in
Or on the beat rhythms of the left side of my body.
Trying to create a new me possibly making me too gaudy.
I enjoy how I am and I enjoy the tender pieces
This releases with no creases and then some “perfect mess” comes along with all their leashes
Ready to tie me up.
I am free. I wish to not be. I contradict. You’d understand…if you were me….or here.

004. Words unspoken.

So this is where you are.
And this is where I am.
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred.

Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away.
Cause we have spoken everything...
Everything short of anything.

Youre right where you are
From right where I am.
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred.

And who's to say its wrong?
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now...

So this is where you are.
And this is where I am.
So this is where you are
And this is where Ive been.
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred.




And maybe that will make some sense to the madness that falls.

003. High Strung.

Why is it that I am constantly tested? Tests of my ability...tests of strength internally, tests of my brain externally...the list goes on. I feel like...I do well in school because I understand the basis of it. I am completely enthralled with learning something new. I figure...school is about being wrong. Yet...most people suceed when they are right. I will justify my first statement. It's about being wrong because...if you are right you probably already knew it in the first place. If you are wrong, it gives you a chance to expand your knowledge. Is there sense in being right? Maybe to get an A on a test. But in order to gain...we must lose. That might have not made much sense...but it did in my brain. IDK.

This weekend was incredible. And now it seems as though I'm back to reality with tests that are crucial and projects that are demanding and a new job that is conveniently scheduling me during midterms. Ah, life and its ways. Beautiful nonetheless.



And...my heart is happy.

Create yourself a beautiful day, despite the wrongs and rights that can present challenges daily. Words of wisdom from the awfully insightful young mind of...just Ashley. =]

002. Don't wear a thermal when it's hot outside.

I'm the newest employee at Best Buy. I'm super excited about it. I'm only hired for seasonal...for now at least. If I do well November through January, I will have a permanent spot. This will be good.

I went to Taylor's game after I had my interview. It was hot. I was wearing a black thermal. I still had a good time. I saw courtneyyy. Shes awesome and we got to catch up a little. I watched Marcus score a touchdown and that was good too. I have to go puppy sit in a short while. I also need to do some math homework. This test on monday could determine my grade for the future. Ughhh.

'Before the game we went to get gas. I was super thirsty so I walked inside to get a drink real quick. Two guys were standing by the drink thing and one of them comes in front of me and goes..."nice shirt..". I looked at him..said thanks...and walked away. He said something else but I really wasnt listening to much. I had on a black thermal...what was nice about it?...Nooottt too much lol. He was saying it because of my chest. Aaaand he gets no respect for that one.

Ohh boys..

001. Rain.

This week is over. Well, for school anyway. I'm becoming more and more certain that this is my hardest semester yet. With each passing day of tests and projects and homework and studying. Im second guessing myself on if I really should be taking up this job. Blah. I must go through with it now. The interview process is almost over and I've gone to so much to get this anyway. I'm pretty sure I passed all of my midterms [[cheers wildly.]]...haha...but it really is that exciting. This weekend is just one more interview and puppy sitting. Math homework will be intertwined I'm sure...aaand I am getting together with an old friend on sunday. I miss kaitlynn. I miss dani. They go to real school...the kind you live away for. I dont. Thats okay. I'm hungry aaand food is cooking so I should get back to that. I like this journal. Updates might come more frequently now based of excitement. That...and today I'm quite bored with much time just to...write.

I like the rain. I like the scent of rain. Kinda like...just as the rain hits the asphalt making mothers become fearful of their children driving. Kinda like...I sit inside with sweats and a hood hiding from all but experiencing it all. Kinda like...looking around while walking around seeing everyone around carry umbrellas abound. Black little mushroom like tops enclosing the top half of ones body in order to prevent them from getting wet. Water makes us melt...apparently. Kinda like...this:














=]

Welcome.

Welcome to my new blog! Livejournal got boring and this seems like a good idea. This could get fun. Stick around...you might enjoy what you find in the future here. =]