099. Indecisive.

I am. I'm getting better at making decisions and sticking by them; however.


these are the jams that im feeling...today.






=]next time i post...its 100. thats exciting. i should think of something cool to put up.

098. Friendly friiiiday.

Passed my sociology midterm today.

I'm cleaning today. Yes. Friday...cleaning. I do believe I'm becoming more and more like my father each and everyday. Cleaning is no longer a thing of hatred. Rather, it is a thing of beauty. I get warm fuzzies inside. I took it too far. You know what I mean.


I would enjoy meeting
a conversator, motivator, and a breath taker.
the standard. the one. if not, the proto-type.


=] inspiring, really. im up for meeting new people. takers need apply.

Happiness...lately...is..

- green bracelets.
- gatorade frost.
- sleeeep.
- birthday cake remix.
- money money money.
- teal air max's.
- dark denim jeans.
- free time.
- darcie.
- counting to ten in different languages.
- slippers that fall apart.
- looking like a bum 5 days in a row.
- slurpees.
- basketball shorts.
- not knowing what im doing on jack and daxter.
- singing everything i say.
- cleaning my car.
- cleaning my room.
- being MIA.
- eating wingstop till i pop.
- my grandmas oatmeal cranberry cookies.
- myspace.
- yourspace.
- ourspace.
- outerspace.
- the human race.
- jessica.
- razor scooters.
- having my birthday be less than a month away.
- everyday im hustlingg.
- trees.
- americas best dance crew.
- taco bell.
- gaining new friends.
- people tryiiing to holler.
- having minutes on my phone.
- aim when it works.
- knowing that people you dont think care care.
- water.
- pop lock and dropping it.
- a new cd.
- an old cd.
- being "the other girl" like the other white meat.
- tall people.
- being a square.
- being cool nevertheless.
- boyce avenue.
- raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.
- bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.
- brown paper packages tied up with strings.
- these are a few of my favorite things.


happiness. undefined...redefined...iDefine.

Enjoy the weekend! Get some sun. Or get some rain. The weatherman is so indecisive these days.

097. Boyce Avenue.

=] digg it.

096. A life of balance.

I do well with balance. I think that's one thing that I've come to find myself enjoying more and more the older I become. I'm not talking about the balance between two lives or anything so serious. I'm speaking mainly on the balance of my everyday endevors. I take the good with the bad. Lately there has been wayyy more good than bad, and because of this...I started to...not forget...but maybe..lose track of that feeling. Today wasnt such a good day at the start. It did get better as the day progressed however. That was all thanks to:





























I have a ton to say...but not much time to say it. I'll get on and write more laaater. Have a smooth rest of the week.

095. Easter.

Easter miracles, Easter surprises, Easter fun.

Examples?

Ever notice how everything is ten times funnier in church? It just..is. I cant explain it much except for the fact that every time I look around during a mass I see families busting up trying to contain their laughter. Its the hardest thing to do in church. Such as today when the piano man obviously had the biggest crush of life on Kaitlynn and definately wanted the digits. Taylor and my dad sat behind us because church was packed and tayy leans forward and before he starts playing she whispers "he dedicates this one to you". Now...normally...I'd laugh..but why...whyyy was that the most hysterical part of my day. I just leaned over until I was able to breathe again. Thats...easter fun.


Easter surprises? A target gift card from my parents and some extra cash love dad.


Easter miracle?


riiight around 3:13-3:47....miracle.



Happy Easter everyone. Spring has arrived officially. =]

094. Road trips.

I am really starting to realize that the older I become, the more I enjoy spending time with my family. Growing up all five of us were super close. We would travel to places far and wide and everything in between. In high school (keep in mind, 3 girls) we all started doing our own things. Softball was my thing. I traveled and was rarely home with any of my family members. Being on the road so much sort of took me away from the bonds that I had once created. Kaitlynn and taylor had school and cheer and soccer and dance among other things. My parents spent long days trying to balance spending equal time with all three girls. This I suppose was hard seeing as three girls all within the ages of 12 up until about....ohhhh a few months ago was at times...hellish haha. I suddenly have a new found respect for my parents. Someone once told me one day it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I would then understand why my parents did what they did and I would thank them. ....They were right.


Today my parents woke all of us up and took us to monterey. We spent the day walking around the campus for CSUMB. They did this...just for me. They helped me figure out who to talk to and where I would be walking around to and looked at classes and everything. It was like...I was fully supported and I didnt even have to ask. They know how hard I've been working for this...and they want to see me succeed. I'm proud of them. They are proud of me.

Soooo...thanks mom and dad. I had a fun day just being with you. Family never goes out of style.








Life is good these days. The puzzle seems to be almost...self forming in a way. Guess thats God's way of smiling at me...or just...giving me that last stitch of an effort.



Almost there. I do it movin'.

093. It ain't no fun

if the homies can have none.

digg it?


Its silly, today my myspace got hacked. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I must have gotten 10 texts at least about the urgency of me changing my password. Myspace = real life. Apparentlyyyy. =] haha no but sorry about that. Anyone who got a comment about my "snazzy ringers"...just consider it a simple hello. Now its your turn to say hey. Hahaha.


I'm so down with this anthem.




"another knockerrrr...kickin this game around like soccer"


oh mac dre...you slay me.




happy st patricks day. greeeeeeeen is so life, man.

092. I miss...

091. If I can be honest.

I want a love. And I want problems.
I want a love that's going to make me smile at the very thought of their existence, their persistence to keep me around, and do nothing that makes me frown. And I'd be down even if they did clown on they way I dress or if my hair is a mess or if I don't dress to impress 7 days out the week because my eyes are weak in the mornings and I choose throw on something bleak like sweats and slippers; and I'm a grouch.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to have birds singing Bryan Adam songs all day long and we'd always get along except for when I feel like the days couldn't be more long when you have things going and you wont be home until what seems like the break of dawn.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to make me wish I had a heart on both sides of my body because the left side has become way too gaudy, too large and in charge with love so I'd try and talk to the man up above to see if he'd be down to recreate the same shape because I'm tired of leaning and not being able to stand up straight because of the weight my soul mate has created on my heart from the start. I want to be tired of singing "to the left to the left" and feel like theres nothing left on the right because its all moved left.
I want that kind of problem.
I want a love that's going to make me want to hold your hand in public for the first time and call you a dime, better yet a quarter and you will call my house your headquarters and I'd be down to play one on one for four quarters and there is full court press and then me and you can experience the press of skin contact full contact and I'd maybe on purpose to annoy you call a foul and you'd complain and start becoming foul and the press would be over and you'd become depressed and I'd have to come up with something else that would impress...you.
I want that kind of problem.
I want to have a love that I never get tired of being in your arms. I want have a love that I wish I was taller just so I have a longer reach and I'd reach to teach you how much I miss you like this:

<------------------------------->

but it doesn't go that long because my outstretched arms are short and stout because its what I'm about but I swear if I was in love I'd pray that I'd grow even though that's a no go because I am so low to the ground and so not to the sky except my head and heart pass me by in the clouds because I've reached cloud nine with all our time together. I'd apologize for being short if I had that kind of love on lock..forever.
I want to have that kind of problem.
But more than that...
I want to have that kind of love.







=]

090. I'm close.

Too 100 posts that is. Well kinda.



I'm tired of...
Hypocrites. Liars. People who do nothing with their lives. Broccoli (just for this week). Being on aim all the time. The color orange. People taking my words as their own. School. Not having those vans I want. People feeding me lines because they think I would like to hear it. Not knowing where I'm going yet.


so lately...this is what keeps my busy life sane:
Car talks with darcie. Tasha bringing me tea...just because she knows I'm going through something tough. Hiding my sidekick all day. Family dinners. Cassie emailing me daily. Jenny and her texts. Watching the L word. Listening to Taylor vent. Reading "eat pray love". Audrey telling me how much she likes birds. Knowing I get to see kaitlynn and dani this weekend. Not having work until Friday. Peanut butter crunch from J. Payday. A clean room. My new CD. Kelly making sure I'm doing okay in math. Sociology class. Counting down the days until DVC is done. Writing. Smiling. Smiling. Breathing. Embracing all of the things I am thankful for...and remembering not to take them for granted.




I have two people in my life. I spoke with both of them recently and both brought up the same topic...except in two extremely different ways.

The first person I talked to mentioned she is buying a car soon. She once had a very nice, expensive car and doesn't have it anymore. She wants to find another one. We were speaking the other night and she tells me she is getting a brand new top of the line SUV. Its big...and clean...and has a TV inside and navigation. Her explanation was a little more detailed and its hard to convey the tone of her voice through words. Yet, it was almost as if rubbing it in my face. I felt threatened and didn't say much. She said "are you going to be jealous of my new car? I think you will be". I wasn't really sure how to answer..and I said something back like "I wont be jealous. It doesn't matter much. Its just a car. It just gets you from here to there." She then continued to brag and boast about the vehicle but my mind wandered elsewhere.

The second person I talked to explained to me that she didn't know if she was going to be able to balance everything she is doing now at the same time next year. I told her I understood where she was coming from and had been in that situation before. She told me she was trying to balance everything and to top it all off she doesn't have a car. She makes due with what she has and was not complaining by any means. She knows she has to do what she is doing and there is no question or quarrels about what will happen.



The first person...is buying an extremely expensive car...for no reason. She works two minutes from home and doesn't go to school or anywhere else. She just would like to look flashy. The second person...has no car...has no means to get a car...and yet is taking 15 units in college, working almost 20 hours a week, and playing softball. It was funny, I noticed that in the first conversation I was so turned off by the way her voice came across to me and the way she was putting everything, that I forgot many of the things she said. Yet...in the second conversation I listened to every word. I respected what she had to say because I believed that this was not about having the best of everything. It was not having something simply to rub it in another persons face. This was about living. This was about making a living to better herself and the people around her. This was necessary.

Its wild to see how society can work. People with little are so thankful and don't need to brag. And when they do make it...they feel accomplished. Others take for granted the things that they feel will complete them. Its all a different scope of learning and being taught. Environment, experience, and parenting I feel have a lot to do with it. Just my opinion. But then again...I don't usually write about personal experiences because I don't like to call out people. This one just has been stuck in my head and I needed to release it.

089. Happy Monday.

I passed my first math quiz today. I'm pretty sure it's about time considering midterms are this week. This is all thanks to miss kelly. I now owe her my life. Haha.

This week is going to be bananas. Midterms are happening every single day. I'm not really sure when I'm going to breathe buuut I know that I'll make time to at least eat seeing as it is a favorite past time of mine. Oh...and lets not forget tennis. I'm determined to get better at that sport. Taylor wants to give up the dream of the racket and tennis ball and move on to easier things...so she says....."ashley, lets do karate."

Amazing idea Taylor. Karate > Tennis?







aaaand...

088. The week ends with the opposite of weak.

Oh how catchy.


This week was simple. I like that. Next week will be hectic as it is the week right before spring break. Teachers love...and I mean...absolutely love..head over heels love giving tests and projects right before break. They must remind you that although you are oh so close to a much needed break, you are oh so far from an actual break to breathe. The school reels you out and reality reels you right back in. Hmm...I don't want to be a fish much longer at DVC. Hey good news. I don't have to be. Applications are in and done and I am ecstatic. I couldn't be happier. Nerves are setting in just from anticipation. I think I'll leave you all in anticipation as well as to what schools are my narrowed choices. I'll eventually let you know what school I will be attending. Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is...this is me.

"Give up defining yourself -- to yourself and to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as a field of conscious presence."


1. When you wanna come - Brian Mcnight.
2. Daylight - Aesop Rock.
3. Turn your lights down low - Lauryn Hill.
4. You played yourself - Atmosphere.
5. Love everlasting - Tortured Soul.
6. Morcheeba - Talib Kweli.
7. Masterpiece - Meg and Dia.
8. Taylor - Jack Johnson.
9. Selfish - Asia Cruise.
10. Such great heights acoustic - Postal Service.
11. You got me - The roots.
12. True - Spandau Ballet
13. Sittin on top of the world - Brandy and Mase.
14. Starz - J Dilla.
15. Another Reflection - Nujabes.






Different songs this week. Not really a new playlist. Its more of a playlist of things I've been listening to this week. I'm over all this mainstream stuff. Give me some good roots and nujabes anyday to kick back to.

Daylight savings time is coming, man.

087. Vote.

086. Write on, right on.

My good friend Jenny had asked me a few weeks back to help her with an art form for one of her classes. Shes in the masters program at NDNU for psychology (doing an amazing job might I add) and asked for a poem by me for one of her projects. I was flattered and humbled and of course said yes. She sent me all the details. There wasnt many rules or guidelines to what the poem had to be about which was quite nice because freedom to write is what poetry is all about anyways. The only stipulation was that the poem sort of had to relate to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). She sent me some information on it and I looked up some information myself. After getting a pretty good grasp of what the concept is...I came up with a written piece.

[sorry for all the background info. Thought the poem would make more sense with a little story behind it.]


The Mistake

Bang!
I heard it twice more.
Bang, Bang!
But this is not what I signed up for.
Four people are now off this planet,
and its not how I planned it.
This was three weeks ago and I still can’t stand it.
I try and stand tall, but everyday I make the same fall
back to how we were just playing ball,
and the men rolled through and rolled two
windows down and with their frowns on their faces
put my four best friends in their places.
And I ran.
I ran until there was no more man…in me.
I’m just a young child you see.
I have strange fits some nights.
I now sleep with bright lights.
I haven’t combed my hair,
and people often stop and stare
at the lack of cleanliness I have chosen to bare.
But I don’t care.
I feel so guilty
so my body needs to remain filthy
to convey and relay the message of shame I hold.
It was fire in me that used to be bold,
But my body is cold.
I’m ice and its cracking
so I’m cracking; I’m lacking self.
Will this get better?
This will get better.
It has to get better.
I mean, it cant get any worse,
I saw 4 of my friends ride in a hearse
for God’s sake and this was all a mistake.
And it will take time to recreate…me…again.
A mistake.
A mistake.
The mistake.

085. Tennis anyone?

Today was a wonderful day. I spent the majority of the day outside. This weather has been absolutely amazing. I'm so thankful that the rain has ceased for at now..at least. I played with the dogs for most of the afternoon. I like just laying out in the sun. After I got bored with the dogs me and dad went and played tennis. We aren't very good....but it was fun anyway. We laughed the entire time. It blows my mind that these dudes playing next to us were having a full on conversation while playing back and forth. My dad and I were completely focused having no words exchanged whatsoever. Haha. Then every time we messed up we were saying our angry words super quiet (we figured thats how proper tennis ettiquete happened). We then heard the two dudes next to us swearing loud. We then threw out the old rule and tried to act more like them....except with less talent. I'll keep working on the tennis skills.

















=]

084. Tacos make for a super last supper.

Yesterday my coworker asked me if I was on a deserted island for the rest of my life and could eat only one thing...what would I choose.

Theres no question.....tacos.

She laughed extreeemely hard. Was that a silly answer? Maybe. I..love tacos.

In fact, I love them so much that my father is making them tonight.

Hmm...that deserted island sounds pretty good to me right about now.



The weekend was dope. Work was long but money in the bank. The family bbq was a success. Everyone came through and we ate until we popped (so normal). Today was productive. I applied to colleges, freaked out a little over deadlines, had talks with the parents and they had me calm down, had kait help me study for math, and all in all got part of my future together. I dont enjoy thinking about my future. The present is here and now. But I suppose there is a time and a place for everything.


Step up to get your rep up. Remember that.

And because I was feeling insightful...a taste of my mind...


This is Living

There are bits and pieces of static attached to my life, and sometimes straws break my back, getting heavy enough to pry jewels from my swollen eyes. I refuse to become tired. Because breaking down is not an exercise that I can condition myself to get used to, but it's not like I'm trying to, anyways. You know what I want? - Rejuvenation. Rejuvenation from the cling ons that hold me back from what is golden. Because those elements are so out of sync with nature, and completely topical in their ways of protecting themselves from all reality. This is far from telling me that my life has little movement; a bed filled with water. I can still feel every needle pricking, every sword thrusting, and every poorly thought out word penetrating my mind's body, leaving peace to lay broken till sleep finds me. And broken still dawns until I can find me. Because once I find me, I will leave here. I will leave the stagnant place of hunger and perching because these needles are small and, like most medicine, I will become immune rather quickly. So take a picture of me weeping now so we can test which lasts longer [this feeling, or this photo]. Whichever you choose to stare, either way, you'll find me frozen stiff. Count the days. I am growing with light and with vigor. This is emptying myself. This is life.