180. Pumpkins.

Happy Halloween everybody! I hope everyone stayed safe and enjoyed themselves.

Sorry for the lag in posts. I've had a fever for the past few days. I never get sick. I think I was stressing myself out too much for midterms. Who knows. The fever is finally dropping and my throat isn't on fire anymore. Cool. I think my family believes I am the little boy who cries wolf. I'm a hypochondriac. I like to take a paper cut and bandage the hell out of that thing. Can't ever be too careful. No one believed me. That is until I stuck the thermometer in my mouth and it came out 102. "Scotty's on fiyaaaah"...

In otherrrr news. Today I got called a pimp. They used it lightly..maybe even too lightly, but they still used it. I find that word to be a little degrading most days but is it completely bad that I totally smiled while hearing it? Maybe I even stood up taller (it doesn't happen but I pretend). They sure used it in a good way so at least that is the plus. Hmm...oh! Dad got a facebook. He's Mr. Popular on there already with all his friend requests. My grandma got a facebook too. Want to know what's really really great? Your grandma does not have a facebook. She's not going to have a facebook. If you ever believe that the DeGrano's are off their game...think again. We are on top of it 24/7 and that's just the way it happens.

Go vote Tuesday. I'll keep telling you that. It's too important. Too important.

Since I didn't do anything for Halloween except attend a doctors office and have a dance party with Kaitlynn...here are two pics from last year. I made rasta man. Mom didn't appreciate it. Yikes. Oh..I also made pumpkin seeds. From the likes of the picture, I was enjoying myself. Haha



















And incase you were wondering what song the dance party was to...only one of the best 80's song ever created duh aaaand a perfect Halloween song.





"I always feel like, somebody's waaatchin me" ...get it Michael..go on boy..

179. Seven days left

Until Super Tuesday.







Haha...I don't even have words for this. That's wassup.

178. It's Monday

Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi.


Monday and it's been a good one. I got an A on my midterm. Yep, me and my big brain got an A.

John Legend's third album comes out tomorrow and you better believe I will be there buying multiple copies just because I can. If you didn't know, John Legend is my favorite male artist. Go buy it. Just do it. I promised myself I wasn't going to hear full songs before they came out besides green light because that damn song is on everyone's life. However...I did sample some parts to some songs because I may have found the cd before it came out BUT...I was good and didn't hear it all. What I did hear was bossy. Go get it.


People ask me questions. When multiple people ask me the same sort of questions...I answer them here. Here goes...

1. Why did you cut your hair? Are you going to keep it that short?
2. You used to always be on your phone. Now you barely text me. Why don't you text anymore?
3. Do you like school? How do you like your classes?
4. What's your major? What do you want to do with that major?
5. When does the book come out and where can I get it?
6. Where do you find all of your music?
7. Why don't you blog more often than you do?
8. You can sing? Sing for me!!!
9. Who is peasant and why don't you like him?
10. Why...are you...so cool?




Acheeeem...

1. I cut my hair because I needed to step out of a box that was created by me in order to feel comfortable, safe, and in order. I ran wild, told the chick to chop it off, and here I am. Yes I am going to keep it this short for a while. I enjoy it.
2. I used to have two devices. One was a phone. One was a sidekick. I never was on my phone...I was always on my sidekick. I woke up one morning and realized that owning two devices does not in fact make you any cooler. I have just one phone now. Sorry I don't text as much. Sorry it's a little short when I do. That thing isn't attached to me like my other one. Things change.
3. I love school. I am very happy with my decision and it's moving right along. My classes are hard but worth it.
4. I am majoring in interpersonal communications and minoring in recreation. There are many things I would like to do with my major. If you need me to show you a list...I can.
5. Uh...when I know you'll know. =]
6. Secret places. Secret people. And no I don't share secrets.
7. It could be because I'm taking 18 units. It couuuld be because I have nothing interesting to say. Or it couuuuuuld be because that would be predictable...and I am not predictable.
8. Yes I can. And I sing for some people. Like emily...on her birthday. Maybe when it's your birthday I'll sing for you too.
9. Peasant is my dog. His name is Cooper and I don't think you should ask me the question of why don't I like him. How about you ask...why doesn't he like me?
10. No one asked this question I just slipped it in here. I was born cool.

177. Midterms...

are not happy things. I've decided to write about happy things.


Happiness is...

-kool-aid.
-halloween presents from g-ma.
-weekly "just because" cards from jenny.
-crackberry when its blinking red.
-hacky sack.
-agua.
-ugg slippers...not boots lets not get confused.
-"bella"...remind me to blog about this.
-fitness 19 and their 9 dollar special.
-indian summer with no wind.
-mr. pickles.
-muffins from costco.
-bank of the west statements that are tiiiiny.
-money in the bank...still.
-fridays.
-lil Q.
-school minus midterms.
-dancing.
-singing.
-showers.
-sleeping in.
-bay views.
-gabe bondoc.
-hidden poems.
-chelsie hightower (no i haven't forgotten about her).
-potstickers.
-pops getting that facebook.
-green walls.
-being the opposite of tall.
-buying nothing at the mall.
-when they decide to call.
-not needing to brawl.
-kaitlynn being kaitlynn.
-seeing old friends.
-the moon when you can see the craters.
-laughing.
-feeling accomplished.
-having a big bed.
-my lime green bracelets that don't match.
-gas prices dropping down.
-kanye west and his new works.
-genuine growth.
-genuine people.
-genuine art.
-real apologies with real emotion in them. - hmm.
-coloring.
-voting ahh.
-open note midterms.
-black tea lemonade vente only because its like 20 more cents and you get a lot more whaaat.
-ellen.
-peasant because hes funny when hes angry at someone other than myself.
-driving in my car.
-swimming.
-memories...nostalgia.
-empowering myself.
-jello.
-hot cheetos.
-frosted flakes.
-finding the toy inside frosted flakes.
-having that toy be incredibly saweet.
-nice pens that write well and dont smear because i write backwards.
-getting the mail.
-real talks with stass.
-real talks with kait.
-real talks with dani.
-real..talks.
-feeding the soul with sunlight.
-my soul is always hungry.
-thats the appetite i can handle, it has the best metabolism.
-finding yourself skipping down the street when you were walking before and smirking a little because your subconscious knew you wanted to skip a little...it feels good to act five sometimes. now that is healthy.


oh...i'm the only one that that's happened to? okay. =]







uhmmm...this song is the story of my life.



tell me you aren't nodding to this.





Why does she be so mad at me for, homie I don't know she hot and cold,
I won't stop and mess my groove up cause I already know how this thing goes,
You run and tell you're friends that you're leavin' me,
They say that they don't see what you see in me,
You wait a couple months then you gone' see,
You'll never find nobody better than me

176. And so I sing...

Happy half birthday to youu,
Happy half birthday to youuu,
Happy half biiirthday dear ashley, kaitlynn, and william shaaakespeare,
Happy half birthday to you!


Six months exactly tick tick tick....




I'm reading a book for class called "The Saturated Self - Dilemmas of Identity in Contemporary Life". It's dense but intriguing. The book as a whole is surprisingly good. I read a part tonight that struck me a little. It's a hypothetical conversation between a feminist and a post-modern man (the generality of a person in today's living society...I say that loosely) Here it is:

F: Who are they trying to scare off? Full of power and manipulative control, abundant resources, speed, complete management. The new army, complete with portable zenises. Pulling the rug out from under the old guard. (Didn't we all want to run out of the stands and..cheer!!!?) Down with the old order...foundations, split into gravity's rainbow/rules shredded ribbons adorning the may pole, wavering in the breeze of breathtaking words/absolute-ly nothinged by the shock-ing post-modern troops/wreaking con-sense with non-sense, parading, pandering, paradoxing, playing. What fun...London bridge is falling down. (de-constructed) My Fair Lady. Where can we jump in? Shall we form around a circle? Can we dance around the fire? The pole? The falling bridges? Give us a hand? Give us a hand? Give us a hand...

PM Man: (All they ever want are hand-outs...give em an inch they'll take a mile. How many inches do they think we've got?) Besides can't you see we've got play to do? It's not easy just going off to play each day you know. It takes practice and dedication and grace. It's not something that you can just join in like that. We've got our ways. Can't you see you'll just muck it up? We're in the wrecking business. What business is that of yours? "You make, we break": We can write it on the truck. Next thing you'll want us to settle down and play house. We've got to be movin' on. It's part of the code. Besides, John Wayne doesn't talk to girls, so adios. "Don't call us, we'll call you."...That's another thing. We don't make promises. Just another word for commitment (the really big C word, the one that gets you behind bars, and I don't mean mixing martinis). Let em eat cake, as good ol' Marie put it. She had a feel for our rap. French of course...Post-modern life is, as Deleuze sez, nomadic. We are all homeless wanderers on the featureless, pos-industrial steppe, tentless nomads, home packed up...Baby, the revolution has just begun. I mean the trashing is in dis-progress. Garbage cans full of rotten fruit, it is child's play. Disciplines to dismantle/Methods to maul/Truth to trample/Origins to emasculate...we're a-dispersing...






Ridiculous, crazy, truth...

Read it a few times and it will come to you. I'll let this one be up to interpretation. Kind of a...choose your own adventure book. I always liked those.

175. worth one thousand words.

I was going through my laptop and cleaning up a bit. I found some cool pictures from the past 2 years or so. Thought I'd share.































































































































Most of these have been on this blog before in random posts. Like I said before, I started this blog last October...so it's just about that time again to start again with new pictures of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays...and so on. I'm excited. Oh...and check my fav pic...8 up from the bottom. Miss Kaitlynn..too cool. =]

174. For fun...

I saw your eyes behind your shades
and I know you take what you know and the rest you evade,
but maybe...you should know me.
I'm just sayin'..
maybe..you should try me.
I've been known to be the moment.
And the very moment you chose to acknowledge the existence,
my alter ego of persistence kicked it into high gear
so steer clear because I race around hearts
and rarely falter when I begin at the start.
I'm not saying place me high up on your hill.
I'm merely saying I notice your glass seems a little empty and I've come with a refill.
Does that make sense?
How about I make cents of your dollar
because a dime like you could sure use a holler.
So let me calmly introduce myself like..
Hello, you. Call me what you see me.
Brown hair, 5'4, laced up, green eyes.
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I can be okay with compromise.
I notice you speak with your hands clasped together,
and I notice that shorts are your preference in any kind of weather-
so whether or not you notice the little aspects of my being...
I'm growing fond of looking at the same things you're seeing.
So maybe one dinner and ramblings of two somebodies can occur.
I'm tired of people just nodding with me and rapping to repetitions of "I concur".
I'm almost convinced you'd be a nice change;
a step in the right direction and I'm willing to rearrange
my mapquest to follow new road signs.
I'll set up my navigation and program the coordinates,
and the little assimilations of us together can be the ordinates.
I know this comes as a surprise and a half
seeing as how every time I'm with you all I can do is laugh.
See words don't come to my lips when I feel uneasy,
stuttering has become apparent and I sort of feel "lust queasy".
But I can't help my new feelings of someone finally making my stuffy world feel breezy.
I can work on regaining my voice if I spent time near you.
I know it's just because my butterflies had been lost for so long and they deserve play time too.
So I can't be selfish and put them away.
They've been waiting patiently to come back out for almost 100 days.
I know I sound ridiculous when I can't make any words come out.
I have everything ready inside I just need to find the exit spout.
Besides, beautiful you should take this as a compliment,
me having no words is something like a virgin...
if you didn't know already they call me the word surgeon.
You don't have to answer today, tomorrow, or anytime soon,
I'm putting this out there for you to consume.
I think you're something special and I think you think the same,
but I know I think I know I think we only have cupid to blame.






=] haha...

173. if you dont know her name it's cool call her this...

name that tune.


a few semi-important things for today.

1.






















Obama deserved the purple shoes. Second time they have left the box.



2. this makes me happy.








3. I just realized that on the 12th of this month...my blog had a birthday. I've held onto this thing for an entire year. How wild. I went back to my first post and read a few from the entire year. This was a good idea. I thought of it at first as a place for random pictures and thoughts. It's funny to go back and read older posts. Lots has changed in a year. Lots will change in this year. I wonder how long I can keep this little thing going. I've actually inspired a few people to start blogs. A lot of people think it's a fad. I suppose it could be considered that. Although...fads come and go. I'd like to think of this more as my outlet...when time allows. I have many mediums through which I enjoy expressing myself. This blog, a personal journal, binder paper, blackberry, napkins, my mind. Haha...if I feel inspired...who knows where I'll be and what I'll have around me to capture the moment. As long as you read, I'll write. Hell, even if you don't read...I'll write. Like I said...it's truly a blessing to have people put their eyes here. Even if you don't like what I say or how I say it. It still means something to me that you take time to read it. Maybe it has helped you through a day...maybe it has helped you through five days...maybe...it has helped you everyday. I'm not really sure. I'm not even really sure of everyone who reads this. Maybe we are related. Maybe you're a close friend. Maybe you're a distant friend. Maybe you're an outsider who I've never met. Whatever the case may be...thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

"We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace."

172. It's okay, you can laugh.

Ready for this?

Kristen sent me this picture the other night.
















Okay okay. Laugh it out. Then take a deep breath and check it. Lets talk about this puhleaaaase. First off...I believe I was about 12 in this picture. This was my old room in my old house. Kristen and I came up with the conclusion that we had just gotten home from school and we decided that pictures were necessary. First things first....cool hair, Ashley...real talk. Second...my love for shoes has been...like I said...foreva eva...in case you didn't believe me. Here I am at age 12 changing my laces from white to red because during school we were only allowed to have black or white shoes. You neeeeded to have a fresh white pair of converse. I must have cleaned those things daily. Third...cool uniform. Yes I am wearing a skirt and yes it is plaid and yes...I miss it. I was playing two truths and a lie just then..pick out the lie. I like my wall though. Look at it. I have nsync next to some huuge picture of a little girl and faries. I still remember that picture too. Not only do I have half naked guys all over my wall...but I also have a handwritten poster...ehh not even poster haha computer paper written on. I even remember what I had written.."i swear im an angel, the horns are just there to hold up my halo". Oh brother. I was mean muggin' in this too. Why on earth? Haha... I still do that pointing thing in my pictures.


I now look like this...




















I suppose age made me more friendly and less hard. Maybe the uniform made me feel hood. Wait, what? Oh who knows, but I now smile in pictures. Hmm...and I dont wear the uniform. Besides that...I look the same ya? Oh and Kaitlynn has always been cute. Especially in her pink hat. I'll try and find some old pictures of her and I. That would be fun.

171. Pink for awareness.

Its October. Breast Cancer awareness month. I don't do themes on this because that's...not my thing. I just write. However...pink is growing on me and it was time for a change. Digg it and wear some pink this month.

Lately I've been posting randomness. Poems, pictures, videos, playlists. Little writings. Here I am though. Welcome back.




Education costs money. Information is priceless.

That is the slogan I can use for summing up the week in short. I learned that this week. Well, I understood that this week. I suppose I always knew, but when you feel it...it's something completely different. I could go on and on about the difference between knowing and feeling...but that's for another time and place.

For the past two weeks in my rec class we have been performing a series of workshop activities that have us opening up our hearts and minds into places that they didn't necessarily want to go. At the beginning of the workshops I gave myself reason to say that these were opening up my heart and mind into places that they didn't want...or need...to go. I have since changed my mind on that. You'll see why.

We were asked to put our heads down and stay silent for a while. A bunch of 20 year olds doing meditation for no apparent reason seemed a little off when I'm used to jotting down notes in a notebook and reading power point slides until my eyes hurt. It was nice...it was relaxing. We were asked to think of people...any people...who have impacted our lives. The first ones pop in my head and they are obvious. Then...we are asked to think beyond family...to think beyond your best friend. We were asked to dig deeper and think of people who made an impact a month ago...a year ago...five years ago...when we were a child...and so forth. We were then asked to keep our heads down and think if those people were positive impacts or negative impacts. We were told that most would have only the positive impacts in our minds...but the next challenge was to think of at least three people who impacted our lives negatively...or better yet...people who impacted our lives so positively...and then it ended negatively.

Our heads rose and we were asked to jot down names of people that came up in our mind. Anyone who made an impact...a significant impact...write them down. I had a hefty list ranging from close family and friends to past coaches and teachers to severed relationships and those who I only knew for a very short period of time. Once the list was created we needed to choose some people. Any people on our list who seemed to make the most impact. One had to be negative...the rest could be positive. Again I chose the obvious when I did it the first time. After a moment to really consider everything I ended up choosing four. I feel as though everyone's impact on that large list has had a different effect on me...and different doesn't mean greater or smaller. Different means...just that...different.

My four:

A family member. A small child. A lost relationship. A man I met one time and one time only.

Family member: It's typical to see...and not so typical to feel. I'm lucky. I'm probably the luckiest girl in the world to have grown up with her best friend. Not everyone can say they have always gone into a situation with someone right by their side. I can. For that...I am blessed. I am impacted daily through happenings, sayings, wisdom. What I lack...they have. I wouldn't be who I am today without them...and as cliche as it sounds...I'd rather sound sappy than to take someone that means the entire world to me for granted. The impact has been felt since day one and although I can't pinpoint an actual chunk of time that has done the most for me...it is because each new day brings about a new finding within myself...thanks to them. I suppose if I had to sum the impact itself up...I'd say that I've never met anyone so in tune with how they view the world. As righteous and worldly as I try to sound...I'm a small figure in how they can walk through life never cursing the days or cursing other's ways. If I end up embodying even half of who they are by the time my days are done...my life will hold more meaning than I ever thought possible.

Small child: Once a week I am blessed enough to get to spend time with my little friend. Children are cool...for lack of better words. Children are honest. My two year old friend has taught me much about myself. I find myself more aware of my surroundings when I'm with him. He's curious. He asks questions. Where in life am I that I have forgotten to ask questions about what's going on? I sit confused most days as he goes along learning about life from people ten times his age and has no idea that although I'm educating him....he educates me. He gives good hugs. Better hugs than I get from old friends and new friends who think that a one handed hug is sufficient when all I really want to to do...where I really want to be...is held. He doesn't care if I come over in basketball shorts and a sweatshirt. He knows no color, no race, no orientation. He knows his "ash a ley"...and that's that. He's impacted my life in the simple yet expansive way of letting me feel okay to be myself, to let myself be hugged...to let myself be looked up to literally..and figuratively. He has taught me that knowledge is expressed through actions as well as words. He is someone I look forward to seeing week after week. I can't say that about many people anymore.

Lost relationship: They all become lost at some point I suppose. If it's not by a choice in one party or the other, death will part the two until they can be reunited once again in a different space. It wasn't like the rest I must say. Every relationship is different. This one fit the mold of everything I wanted, nothing I needed. That's the beauty of the teaching...you learn the difference between a want and a need. Once you can decipher, you realize that it becomes more of a blessing than an actual thirst. A blessing sounds much better than being parched for something and having it be imperative, doesn't it? Relaxing, calming, escaping, and worth it all come to mind. I wrote poems, I read poems, I held hands, I danced, I sang, I watched waves crash and I made peace signs in the sand. It ended. They became sorry. I became sad. They became not so sorry. I became confused. They became invisible. I became bitter. I then realized that I learned more than I lost. I felt how something real should feel. It didn't matter how it ended. It doesn't matter how it remains. It matters...that it mattered. I will say that again...it matters...that it mattered. The impact was felt with a resounding pulse. My heart is happy that they are now happy with who they have. I truly mean that. The impact is I have learned something that is worth everything. The impact of a negative...is ultimately the impact of a positive.

Man I met: I was 16 years old, a sophomore in high school. We were expected to go on a field trip to the Tenderloin, one of San Francisco's corridors to one of the most eye opening parts of the city...the country..to date. The Tenderloin is a place where homeless live. It is a place in the city where shelters line the blocks, corners are run by drug dealers and prostitutes, and it is a free haven to all who can't go anywhere else. This is not a pretty place...not at all. It is not meant to be. The school would take students down to the main shelter and, for one day, open their eyes. Each student wrote a list of three jobs they placed in order of "ideal" to be put in for the day. Not everyone would get their first choice. Not everyone would get their second choice. But this day was supposed to be what we made out of it...so it was not supposed to be easy. Some jobs were day-care personnel, which meant taking care of the foster kids...playing with them on the jungle gym and such. Another job was packing canned foods for the food banks to hand out. Sorting out different foods and making sure everyone got equal amounts. I had put down these jobs..and ultimately got my last choice...dining room. It was the most intense as far as experience and it wasn't a first choice by many. Me and five other people were assigned the duties of serving food to the homeless and walking around refilling water glasses for them. This hall was incredible. The doors opened up and hundreds and hundreds of men, women, and children piled into empty seats and sat patiently waiting for a meal, their only meal...for the day. I served...observing...wondering...watching. After our service was over we were allowed to have a plate of what they were eating and go sit in the break room. I picked up my plate and walked to a table filled with people...and sat down to eat. Break rooms don't teach you anything. Tables filled with the people who many don't look in the eyes...teach you everything. I met a man that day named Charles. I haven't used anyone's name in this until now. But Charles is very unlikely to read this ever. See, Charles lives on the streets of San Francisco. Everyday at 12 he comes to the food hall for his lunch, hoping that it isn't fish...he didn't like fish much. He carries his only prized possession- his sony walkman disc player and a cd caselodge filled with his favorite cds (no wonder I dugg this guy). Charles asked me why I wasn't in the break room. I told him I didn't know...because that was the honest truth. He asked where I was from and what my story was. I told him I was here on a field trip. He thanked me for coming to serve him and his friends food. Imagine that...I'm telling my story and he thanks me...for something I had barely done. I then asked him to tell me about his life. He tells me its the same routine every single day. He enjoys it...although he misses his old life very much. See, Charles was a fireman. He fought forest fires for a living. He loved it. He had a big house that he had pictures of him standing in front of....nicely dressed with a perfect car that he was leaning up against. He told me that one day it all changed, when he got burned in a fire. He then showed me his arms and legs which had scars up and down them from the burn. He told me he lost everything after that. He never would be able to work again after his disability. He got into some bad habits, made a lot less money than before, and felt as though he lost a part of himself. I cried. I know it sounds insane but..I sat at that lunch table that day crying because I felt him. I saw what I had been missing. Each person has a story. Each person comes from a starting line and ends up in a race that they never thought they would end up on when they come to a finish. That is life. That is beautiful, hard, scream out your wildest fears...life. I left that day knowing I'd never see Charles again. Knowing I might never make it back to eat another lunch with him...as he referred to himself as a "traveling man". Yet Charles left an impact on me that I will never forget for as long as I remain here. Charles was homeless. Charles was burned. Charles got one meal a day. Yet Charles smiled when he spoke. Charles thanked me for serving him a hot plate of food. Charles shook my hand and told me that I was a good soul. Charles doesn't know it...he will never know it...but he impacted my life that day.




I was asked to contact these four people and tell them that they impacted me in one way or another. I could do it any way I felt comfortable...or not so comfortable..but it was something that was encouraged by the workshop. I contacted two out of the four. One by word of mouth...face to face and phone. The other...by a letter. Both were without hope or agenda. Both were for myself. I didn't need to explain the impact they had made...just that they had made one. The other two I have yet to contact...for obvious reasons. Someday I'm sure. Blessings occur each and everyday and this is living, breathing proof of that. I am inspired. I am impacted. I am ever thankful.


Peace and Blessings, ya'll.

170. Poetry Class

This summer I took an online poetry class to help reach 60 units for transfer requirements. It actually turned out to be an amazing class. It was taught online; my very first online class. I learned a hell of a lot. I believe I used to talk about it before...with that chick who hated my writings. Anywho...I figured slowly but surely I'd share some of the poems from my final compilation. In the end we had to submit five of our favorite poems to her that we wrote in the 6 weeks with her. It was kind of a breakthrough for me. I was so so used to writing slam poetry and slam poetry only. This forced me to step out of the Ashley bubble and venture and try different things. Of course some of my style leaked through but...you get the idea. This is my favorite one that I wrote. We were forced to write a letter to God...or have God write a letter to us. Almost like...a boisterous prayer, if you will. Anyway I thank you for reading it. I'm ever thankful for every eye that glances here. I hope everyone has an excellent weekend. Drink up that airborne...there is a cold going around I can feeeeel it. Hello, fall. One.


Letter up the Ladder


Creator, listen.

Why have you forsaken me?
Jesus said it so why can't I?
Why can't I get a break, just once
before I break the stake to take just one
glance at my pages.
The pages of my life to realize that my life...
is one of the saddest fictions ever written.
Can I take myself back to the factory of G-O-D
so you can see that I'm not so happy
and neither is anyone else?
Give me a new one.
I'm not your puppet.
I am a human.
I am growing.
But you wont let me get that far.
My car is costing my bank every time I fill up the tank
because tanks have taken over the middle east
for peace so they gather a piece of the weapon
to shoot costing us more loot than ever thought
and just like that twenty million innocent people can be bought
out
in a draft.
You wanted this?
You wanted a world where I can't walk down the street
and greet my lover with a hug
because it might bug
old fashioned folks
who poke and provoke the new age of life?
How about a world where money means everything...
even if you've never had it.
Where inner city means poor
and people come knocking at your door
to bring you a bible and preach, teach, and screech
their words telling me I need to believe.
Believe?
Sir. Ma'am. Being,
Put me in a world where things have just begun.
No battle needs to be won
and there's ONE creator
who is greater than what man has made.
I mean money, cars, drugs, sex, power
so every hour someone can overtake another.

We've messed things up here, God.
But it's out of your hands now.
By this time I'm sure you're an atheist.

169. week of the weak?

No, no no people, I kid. This week has been mad busy though. I feel like a crazy person when I wake up and don't settle down until I'm tucked in...which lately hasn't been until the wee hours of the AM. Everything is wonderful. Like I've said...I'd much rather have 100000 things going on than none at all. As long as it doesn't consist of me spreading myself too thin...it will work.

Kelly told me today that she thinks I'm getting to be less cynical about life and people and happenings. Good for me? Haha, FYI...I haven't always been cynical. I won't stay cynical. It's a phase. A short, short phase. It lasts for weeks at a time and then disappears. Regardless of how long it stays, it's still present. That's no way to live...so I'm thankful she noticed the change. I told her my heart is iced over and that is why I'm cynical. She feels I'm softening up. I blame global warming for the weather...melting the ice off my heart. It couldn't have been done purposely. I kid. Maybe. Eff with me...you become a lyric. Simple, plain, seen.




The debate last night was eh. My opinion...although I try and steer clear from speaking about politics. Too many fine lines that are easy to cross. Finger pointing was apparent...as it is in any political debate. It was a little disorganized. There has been college debates that have held more structure on the issue of "time management". Both parties needed to heed the green, yellow, and red lights. Go, slowww down, stop. Simple? Easier said than done. Therefore I will shut my mouth on that.


Dirty life = Beautiful music.

I've said that before and I firmly stand by it. The best songs result from the worst and or wildest happenings. I agree I agree...sappy love songs still get me. But isn't love dirty? I'd say...it's the dirtiest.

I created a little playlist. I made two cds sunday. One was hip hop. One was more alternative/soul. I combined some songs on here for you all to check out. Use it for dancing, screaming, homework, or...grooving. =]











"She said, what type of girl do you think I are...
the kind that you meet in a bar?
You think you can get whatever you want cause you some kinda star?
...No I'm a comet.
I just want you, woman.
Hey, if I were you then it would be me that I go home with.
3, the one and only
one thing you ain't considered.
I heard you when you told your girl "ooo he can get it".
Admit it.
You did it.
Let's hop a cab and split it-
I'm kiddin'...
we both going to where you livin'"

haha.





PS...


















peasant diggs me lately!!

168. I'll put this in the vault.

I was going to tell you that day.
yeah...

Instead I drove to a horizontal parking spot
where I sat in that empty parking lot
waiting for the sky to drop,
watching the dark clouds filled with water finally pop
and down comes the trickle of the water.
And do you realize how hard it is to watch my very own slaughter?
Making it hard to decipher the difference between
the drops outside and my tears.
But I won't spend years.
I'll spend a moment. this moment. in the parking lot.

I was going to tell you that day.
yeah...

Instead I trudge down the wrong side of the pavement
heel toe, heel toe as I see the back of every past engagement
with you...or anyone who jailed my thoughts.
In my pocket, steps on the street
I feel your folded written letter-the one that was sweet
so I bend down, and tuck in on the cold ground
underneath some school books I never read-
right next to the kiss I blew that tattooed the sidewalk instead.
It never made it. 5000 miles and it never made it.
The cracks in the cement walkway have turned into small rivers.
It seems the faucet line from my eyes has been severed,
as I watch each wet memory flow smoothly into never-forever.
But I won't spend forever.
I'll spend a moment. this moment. on the sidewalk.

I was going to tell you that day.
yeah...

Instead I lie in my bed watching my breath.
These words that escape my lips are all that I have left
as I've left speaking to people...up to the level headed.
I debate picking up the charging phone
knowing I long for a ring from a completely new time zone.
Hating the fact that regardless of the outcome I still go to bed alone.
If I could just get one hand to press the "h" and "i" keys
I'm more stubborn then that and no one will have me on my knees
so my hands stay put. and my mind is covered in soot.
And things are all foggy and I know I'll wake up in the morning groggy
because of all the things I leave unsaid each and everyday.
but I won't spend every single day.
I'll spend a moment. this moment. in my bed.



And I wish I could tell you I'd see you again someday,
but you're lost forever I swear-
I'll never notice us together- me and you, there.
I took time to keep my heart full of faith,
but you even took the words out the song I used to wipe the tears off my face.

And I was going to tell you that day.
yeah...
I was going to tell you that day.













SimplyCakeWalk (9:10:20 PM): Bold is how we should write everytime...careless even...sometimes even reckless...that makes words scream and cry and smile and just feel alive
Asoulfoolwonder (9:11:06 PM): exactly. too many people are cautious. you cant do cautious while writing. no one will feel anything. and i want people to feel. i want myself to feel.
SimplyCakeWalk (9:15:40 PM): True story.... I don't just write ...I give away. My secrets ...I let the Reader know I too have felt that way
Asoulfoolwonder (9:17:10 PM): it helps them. in turn helping me. everyone has been there. everyone. i just say what their mind has yearned to say for so long. whoever they are. im telling them...ive been there. and look how i have used it...for positive.

167. DONT VOTE.

five friends....come on people. we are worth it.

166. I joined a club.

How exciting right? Actually I joined two clubs. Its a new thing. I'm networking myself, haha. It should be interesting. We will see.


I'm watching Pan's Labyrinth. If you haven't seen it...I do/don't recommend it. Its a trippy movie. It's all in spanish buuut it comes with english subtitles. If thinking outside the box is your thing then check that one out. Don't say I didn't warn you though.




I don't have much time to write. This weekend I will come up with something. I had to say goodbye to Victor tonight. I don't like goodbyes. I never understood the meaning. I like "see you later" a whole lot better. That's what I try and stick to saying. He will be back soon enough...and in the meantime I can hit him up like nobody's business on that blackberrrry. He spoils me...



















I give you....the Ashley shoe. What are the two greatest things on earth according to me besides the Lord and my family? Shoes and Writing. Ohhhh, okay...they put it together in one! A composition notebook, binder paper, and a shoe. Thank you Victor...and thank you for all the gear. =]







I compliment her on her confidence,
calm, a little more confident, heyy...
then we lose consciousness she say

"i've been waitin' for you, and i know you been chasin me too.
since they kidnapped me from my castle
i been thinkin' of you.
i told a fire breathin' dragon he better not harm me
or be sorry when he meets my one girl army.
and now thou has come to...rescue me.
my knight in shinin' armor, yes you be.
then i was woken up by your SUV."

I said, "see? too beautiful to let you sleep.."