152. lalalaaa mememeee

This week has been a bummer. Oh well, tomorrows and beyond always look promising. =]




Taylor proposed that we have a jam session. By jam session she meant she holds the camera and I am the one..."jamming" if you will. I don't do this...ever. But hey, I had fun and good music always helps the soul. Maybe it will become a pattern. I need a musician in my liiihiiife. Anywho it's past my bedtime. Hope everyone had a beautiful week and enjoy the weekend. We made a ton but I had the most fun doing this one. Bare with me here folks...










haha..til next time...peace and blessings. =]

151. This was no accident.

Someone once told me that time is the easiest variable to work with. Before I became argumentative I took minutes to think and realized....they are very correct. As human beings, we become accustomed to adapting to our surroundings. Comfort is a pleasure that we desire. The wonderous thing about desire...is that it is rooted in passion. If you have no passion...you have no desire...you feel no comfort. Yet time-time is constant. It never changes schedules, it never fails to move in the same way every single day, it never takes away from itself. We as people take away from time. And yet......the easiest excuse in the book is "there is just no time". I try and buy into these things, and as hard as I try it becomes difficult to see a light at the end of the tunnel for this. There are 24 hours in a day. There are 7 days in a week. If someone wants to blame time...be my guest. But realize that the fact that you're blaming something that has yet to fail you in being inconsistent...has just made you much less than what you were built to be.



Tonight I was told one of the most profound stories that I have heard in a very long time. I've forgotten what it feels like to be read to. Someone reading words and pages through influction of voice and tone. I'm able to sit, breathe, relax, and try to take in the very meaning of the story. Italo Calvino could quite possibly become one of my new favorite writers (thanks taylor). The story she read me-well I-let me just summarize it for you.

A man is walking the streets alone. He witnesses a few people trying to rob a store and decides to go and help them. They break in and start stealing. The burglers tell the man to go and be the lookout for them. He follows as instructed and sees the cops. Upon seeing the cops he joins in with them and decides to be against the burglers. The cops make the man go in first and they follow not so closely behind. Upon realizing that the man is without the cops...he joins the burglers once again. He starts running, falls down, and the cops help him up. What do you know...he's now a cop again. The story continues on back and forth between the man being a cop and a burgler. The end describes the man as running...between both groups of people....stopping....watching both groups disappear in the distance...and being alone once more.






I don't know if analyzing a great piece of literature is something I need to do right now. Some things are better left unsaid. But I will say this. It's ironic how I see this happen all too often. Running just to run. Jumping ship to jump ship. Too cowardly to stick with one idea, but even more cowardice to be alone. I took the beginning and the end as birth until death. You enter alone...you exit the same. What you start with is what you leave with. See it in a bigger picture. Don't run with no purpose. And if you make a decision...make it whole heartily.








I promised myself I wouldn't let something like this happen again. I'm still without words. Even if I did have words...I'm not sure I'd use them. Like I said, some things are better left...unsaid.



Peace and Blessings.

Head up, Heart strong - this outro is for me.

150. Tears for water.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

149. Blawg.

Hello everybody,

Happy new week! It seems to be a big big week for most people that I've spoken with. Lots going on and lots of people starting work and school and life back up again. I'm one of the lucky ones that can still live in an alternate reality for a little while longer as I prepare myself for the whirlwind that shall start at the end of September. (I better not say that too loud, it will approach rather quickly). At any rate, good luck to everyone who starts school this week.

I'm currently looking for a hobby. You know, I always tell myself I need a hobby and then never really look at all of the millions of things I do end up doing throughout my days. I stay fairly busy, I just think that the challenge of something brand new excites the hell out of me, and I would rather pass my days becoming enthralled with a new passion and mastering my old ones at the same time. I read, I write, I rap...scratch that, I sing, I sing, I sing, I workout, I run errands. OH OH...and I'm creating a new room for myself. This one now is just becoming so cluttered and silly. I need a new space and I need it quick. It will become quite the project within the next few weeks. I'll post pics soon. I feel like I need to start posting more pictures. This blog can get sort of dense, heavy, and lahaaame without a little color (and my face) attached to it, digg? I will work on that.



The new GCH album is gonna be maddd fire. Again it's going to be one of those must have albums for me. Like I said I only buy a couple albums to keep my favorites alive. I support good music and folks...this is greaaaat music. Keep an eye out.


Lastly...these 2 left me this morning. I hate them. Owch no no I don't hate them. I just miss em'. Come back soooooon.


























Until next time, peace and blessings.

148. She at it again...again...again.

Just when the world was sleeping,


You don't know it but I conjured up the lyrics to another beastly verse
to spit my whole heart and soul out like I'm under a voodoo curse
and I put it out for the whole world to see
knowing I only care that your eyes will read it first.
When we say ciao each and every night
there is still so much left for me to write.
I get right because you are music that lights up my dark night
and it's alright that I'm full of spite between the words
of never and just might.
I mean no doubt what else can I do?
I'm so..very..inspired by you.
I met people before and they made me wanna suck back all my energy
and then you were there with me
to help me start to envy
the fact...that you got layers.
We are not talking flat like plasma
We are speaking take my breath away giving me asthma like
heeeeee---whoooo. heeeeee---whooooo.
I could potentially stop breathing but I'll take my chances
I once had forgotten how nice romance is.
It's good to be back in this game
with you a thousand miles away or by my side its all the same.
I don't really care what consequence it brings,
I have been a fool for much lesser things.




It's a start. I might add more later but that's all my brain could pop out at the moment. I'm enjoying how creativity is sooo contagious. It's the type of bandwagon that you most definitely want to be on. It's a high all its own. That's all I need in life. My Lord, my people, my music, my words, my passion&desire, aaaaand my shoes.

I'll try and post some stuff tomorrow. 1 =]

147. Pit of my stomach.

Hi all,

First off biiig congrats to B. Danger. She finished her summer training and I couldn't be more proud. Sooo if you're reading this Miss Danger...you're amazing, and you're doing it. =] =]

Second....Kaitlynn loves Celine Dion. I mean I thought I had an idea about this love or like or apparently infatuation about the singer from Kaitlynn's eyes but nothing told me how much she appretiated her until yesterday. Lets recap:

I'm in Lucky's/Albertsons (they cant make up their minds) and music is playing in the background. I'd just like to point out that I've never heard music in that store before...until yesterday. Talk about a better experience while shopping. I was able to dance and groove up those food isles like nobody's business. Anywho, my father, Kaitlynn, and I were walking around the store and who comes on the overhead but the infamous Celine Dion. I'm walking behind Kaitlynn and I automatically see her ears perk up. I'm walking next to my dad and I nudge him, and, with my fingers I count "one, two" and pointed to kait. Right on cue Kaitlynn turns around and starts raaaaving about Celine. My father started laughing as he had no idea the gravity of this situation. Kaitlynn meanwhile is totally lip syncing and starts getting misty eyed. We are talking total little water crystals welling up over this singer. Ohhh boy. Needless to say I haven't laughed that hard in I can't remember. It only got better when my father, so stunned about this, proceeded to make comments like "Celine Dion was birthed out of the horn family" and "Shes a walking clarinet". Oh wow ahahahhahaha. Easily made my list as the top five funniest moments of life thus far. Birthed out of the horn family ahahahahaha.



I got a haircut. When I say haircut I mean haircut like hair gone. Its short. I've never really had my hair this short. I love it. It's going to take a while to get used to but it's a good change.



Happiness is...
-beach volleyball.
-wii fit.
-haircuts.
-gain detergent.
-unreleased tracks.
-chelsie hightower.
-mia michaels.
-a new notebook.
-heart aint a brain - chris brown.
-gabe bondoc and his covers.
-bananas.
-whirled peace ice cream.
-my dunks.
-AIM.
-ILL-literacy.
-poetry.
-blackberrrry.
-singing.
-strumming my guitar.
-praying.
-living in a camelback.
-agua.
-olympics
-hanging with kait daily.
-babysitting young quentin.
-black tea lemonade.
-costco.
-chelsie hightower.
-pictures.
-telling people im a neck-breakuhhh.
-laughing.
-facebook.
-working out.
-having green.
-the notebook.
-finding hobbies.
-sushiii.
-my grandma.
-jeans fitting perfectly over my shoes.
-my ed hardy perfume.
-victor making his return soooon.
-sunshine.
-cds.
-misty may.
-final transcripts.
-stars.
-chelsie hightower.
-speaking of politics.
-emails.
-pictures.
-random letters...just because.
-musaac.
-rubber bands.
-fine sand.
-knowing who i am.
-i went and ran.
-my clan.
-my old boss, stan.
-im kidding man.
-celine dion.
-bedtime.
-texts from her.
-dani returning on friday.
-kait making this blog complete.
-someday.
-her.




-"Who you are is God's gift to you, who you become is your gift to God."



and just because it reminds me of you.



"Seconds make mintues
Make hours make days
I've added it all up a million ways.
Multiply that times the fact
that when I'm with you
I feel brand new."


Until next time...be beautiful. We are all built for it. =]

146. Book number three

Happy Sunday.

I am a night owl, or an early bird if you prefer to give me the benefit of the doubt. In any case I am wide awake at 1:00 AM and I am hoping that some rambles will release the last bit of energy stored up inside of me for this day and I can make my entrance to sleep.

Two books down and two to go from my list of summer reads. I'm fairly confident that this one I'm beginning now will be a quick read. Many people have told me how much they love this book and how much they learned from reading it. I'll keep you updated.

Almost seven weeks ago I wrote a blog about what I had learned in a matter of 35 days. It was a collection of thoughts that weren't specified [for good reason] although they held passion for my eyes, my heart, and my mind. I re-read it this morning for the first time in seven weeks. I don't usually read my works much after they are produced. I also feel like they have more meaning the longer I wait to re-read them. Old feelings come about and memories (good or bad) are rekindled and I smile regardless of how the situation of writing happened. Seven weeks is a long time. But seven weeks is minuscule compared to the trek that lies in front of me. Does it change my ideas about what I wrote? Not in the slightest. For it brought tears to my eyes the first time I wrote it, the first time I read it, and this morning...on my re-read. Water jewels escaped the eyes and I once again was reminded of why I thank the Lord each and every morning and pray to him each and every night. I have been blessed. I once wrote an old friend about a dilemma that I had been dealing with my freshman year of college. I felt as though I was at a crossroads in my life and had been quite confident that the path I was leading myself down ever so cautiously was truly going to be the right one in the very end. Did I know that for a fact? -No. Do I know it for a fact now? -No. However...I told her that "I believe that these happenings were blessings in disguise". She wrote me back a long thoughtful message as always and at the very end she wrote " oh yea. I don't think there's a such thing as a blessing in disguise. I think all blessings stare us right in the face. We just choose to look the other way". If that isn't something to think about then I've been wrong for a long long time. That is a beautiful piece of written words. It makes perfect sense. At the time...almost three years ago now...I did not know what she was speaking of in the slightest. Now...now I know exactly what that means. This path that I'm on; these things and ideas and happenings that I am experiencing have never once been hidden from me. I can see the light. Even in the darkest room...I am able to produce a light that can be seen by my eyes and the eyes of the ones who stare at it the hardest - my realist of family and friends. Everything has always been within my sight. Yet as a child of America I have the utmost freedom to be able to make decisions to where no one can tell me no. So when I believe that the world has dealt me a bad hand of cards and go and try and curse the day...I must step back and laugh at my own insides...for I can be whatever I want to be. I can go wherever I want to go. I can love whomever I feel the love for.


So with all that being said...I am blessed. I will end this much as I began it seven weeks ago to date in a writing piece much like this with a few changes..


I am alive.


Within the next week my entire world will be once again flipped upside down. And yet...I'm looking forward to it just like any other week. I will greet the mornings with a smile and a remembrance. I'm not quite sure how to handle 365 days a year. Every new years I wonder what will happen. This past one was absolutely no different. Little did I know that something was about to change my existence forever. Fate has a funny way of bringing people and things and activities and memories together like nobody's business. If there was a professional team for random wonderful happenings....I would most definitely want fate to choose me first. Guess what....this time he did. He wanted me on board and I hopped on. So I'm still not sure what happens in 365 days....but I know that in just about 3 months of them...I have been floating on a cloud higher than anyone else.

145. Just so you know...

I'm...no good at this.
But I'll try to put something on the table.
How about we make this a pot luck
so my luck can be compared to what everyone else brings?
No, I still don't wear rings.
Unless they slip off but people scoff at my excuse
because of the abuse I'll cause myself if I can never commit
but..just so you know...I haven't quit.
Not in the slightest and you still shine the brightest
because I can see you!
People say you're long ways away from where you were
I'm here in the sun and all you say is brrr
with your cold new passion
to pass on to the world saving us, me...from harm.
But..just so you know...I'll sound the alarm
for my love to go off
because I believe you're thinking of me just as I think of you
so we can't be through...really.
Just so you know...I spoke to God about this.
He slapped me on my knuckles and said tisk
"let her do her work" he said
as I laid my heavy body upon my hard bed
and then with a smirk that turned into a smile
he continued "the plan of forever is not for a while"
I thanked him for hope...just so you know
and if you could see me now you'd be impressed with how I grow.
Not taller in stature but taller to capture the beauty of blessings;
the beauty of days.
Not walking through a haze it is clear I am here
and just so you know I still call you dear
and my new obsession is trying not to hear.
For the deafness is calming and my body is embalming with
memories and new found ease that my own thoughts are more powerful then the chatter
of the platter of words being presented by unprecedented sources.

I still enjoy bananas.
I still hate raviolis.
I still clean my car 10 times a day,
and anyway in my mind this is going fine
and I'm not sure it matters but I've been passing the time,
so I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm still first in line
for the fan club,
I still refer to you as my bub,
and I still have our kung fu panda movie stub.
Just so you know.
Just so you know.
Just so you know...

Miles may teach and I may try and reach
and I could try and impeach every person and obstacle
that gets in my way from day to day to hear me say
and hear my cry oh why oh why oh why does this happen to I
with my hands thrown up to the sky and tears falling down to the earth
to the dirt not quoting anyone but my own self my own words
and feelings as I stare to the ceiling and stutter

th th th there's words that run deeper than the oceans,
there's skies that could be painted by young hands,
I try and celebrate remembering
and I try to remember who I am.
Because I can't forget
the first time I saw your eyes;
for I could not picture my own reflection not being in them.
The last time we said goodbye I said see you later because later nears with every tomorrow
and sorrow is the last thing that should bring two people together
so no matter the weather, the seasons, the reasons
you should know...
just so you know...
I think of you too.

144. One week.

I'm rounding.

Soooo in the meantime I watch things like thiiiis. This song = me.






And write things such as this. 5 minute freestyle. Ready...go.

Can I write in the sand with a finger that will linger with every curved line as I define a heart where the grains have come together? I'm clever so i may just put initials to start an initial move to prove that I'm for real and I'll reel you in like a fish with bait but wait to take a picture to picture us in a frame next to a bed with your last name against my first and middle because you fiddle with my emotions like an out of tune piano, and I have to dismiss the feeling because I'm feeling like days aren't long enough and I'm not strong enough and then you look me in the eye and try to be sly with your "I'm here" look but look you aren't here and I lay in fear with a tiny tear that cleans my cheek from the kiss you planted weeks ago to go and make me feel on top of the world again so I sin and repent and won't let you go so I'll be damned and man, all that from sand.




Guess Girl Wonder can be a little sapppppppy like trees.

143. I did it.

Well...scratch that.

I've done many things lately. That's what I'm going to blame the lack of posts on. I try and write. Most days I succeed. This place just so happens to be the last place that I place words upon. But I am here now...ever ready to spill the last of what my heart and mind has been feeling for the past few weeks.

First things first...I passed math. Not a big deal to you....huuuuuge deal to me. I'm officially done with DVC. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for getting in there and getting what needed to be done...done. Now I am moving on. I feel like the best is yet to come. That's how I always feel. It is so very true almost all of the time. I guess I can also say that the best is right here...right now.

Second...things are winding down. School is finished for the summer and I have one more week of work left. It has flown by. I remember my first day of work this summer and first days of classes. Its crazy how time waits for absolutely no one. You better have a nice seatbelt handy because to not be buckled in for the time ride is pure insanity. I will finally have some time to myself. This should be interesting. I'm not a girl with a whole lot of time on her hands so when the opportunity arises...I never know how to take it. As my father puts it, "the fly by night in you comes back around"...whatever the hell that means. Ehh I know what it means. Haha.

Third...I've been cleaning my room. I got rid of pounds of clothes, shoes (yes..shoes), and junk from my drawers and closet. My room feels lighter and much more ready for the renovation that is about to take place in T minus seven days. I found a lot of old things while cleaning. Its wild what people will keep in order to savor memories and try and hold onto pieces that obviously were meant to stay behind. I kind of liked going through all of my old things. Letters, gifts, shirts, jackets...things that were so meaningful then...and are pure vapor now. I'm sure that was a good thing for me to lighten the load of Ashley. This girl has enough going on already...consider me lighter.

Fourth. While cleaning kaitlynn found some old notes and cards that we had written our parents for different holidays. Its so funny to see just how different her and I truly are, even from a young age. Take this for example:

Fathers day cards. 2nd grade. Cute and decorated on the front. Kait's has polka dots (given) and mine is random...probably depended on the day. The insides...

Kaitlynn: "Happy Father's Day. You do so much for us and I am so thankful. Happy Father's Day. Love, Kaitlynn."

Ashley: "Dear Daddy, you work this father's day...so next time...try and get it off. Love, Ashley."



Apparently I was bitter. No worries though...Kaitlynn made up for it by wishing my father a happy day...not once...but twice. (Doesn't she always seem to come through in the clutch?)

Fifth: 2 weeks...roughly. I couldn't be more thrilled. =] =] =]

Sixth: *Happy 17th Birthday Taylor. =] =] Little brother is growing up.


Finally. I suppose this summer has kind of put me feeling a little behind. Not in the sense that I'm lagging, being lazy, or even missing out. If anything I'm doing more than I've ever done. Taking 9 units and working 5 days a week is no joke. Its not truly the summer that everyone is idealizing over however I've made the most of what I've been given. I'm blessed. I'm thankful. I've been given opportunities that are endless and I take full advantage. The reason I say I feel behind is because I feel stagnant. I feel like doing the same thing over and over again has me placed in a position that is a little less than what I should be doing. I found myself comparing my whole being...to others around me. About where they are at in life...what they are doing...where they are staying. Then...I realized that there is absolutely no reason in comparing. Why should I compare myself to anyone? I was struggling. Prayer and writing did help. Then my main man came through. Victor sent me some strong words of encouragement. Here they are..

"doing the same thing every day....over and over...it makes you feel almost so simple compared to the complex world around you...but you cant compare yourself to anyone and anything else ..... see sometimes because you do the same thing over and over again you start to lose sight of how important what you do really is...to you!"

Just a piece that he gave me for my extra push letting me know that things are going to be just fine. He gave me a quote that I felt was necessary to add onto here...

"live your life today like most people wont....so you can live your life tomorrow like most people cant."








I see now that if I spend more time worrying about what others are achieving, I'm going to achieve less than what I would have if I just start doing me to the fullest. I am proud, I am focused, and I am blessed. Let the good times roll and I am ready to take on the world. Bring it on life...I now think know I can handle ya.