142. Even crazier than Friday.

Go buy John Mayer's new album. I guess you can't really call it new...but I'm going to do it just for the sake of the purchase. He did a concert in LA and decided to record it. I haven't bought a cd in a very long time. There are only a few artists in which I will buy an entire album for. Good music needs to be bought. Hell, all music needs to be bought. But good cd's deserve to be bought. John Mayer is most definitely one of my favorite artists of all time. He is completely raw. His lyrics are genius. Continuum was one of my favorite albums. His very first album was very very nice as well with classics like "your body is a wonderland" and "my stupid mouth". Anywho the cd contains 23 acoustic tracks that take you through his first album all the way until his brand new stuff. He also throws in covers by Tom Petty and a few hidden tracks that were never released on CDs. Bottom line...go get this. Go now.

Today was so very surprising. I think I can use surprising and have it be legit. I needed this surprise. Good things happen to good people. I believe that. All in good time. This was necessary and I am so very thankful. I cant put into words what this means. My best friends in the entire world are miles and miles and miles away. Yet...I feel them right next to me...and vice versa. Next time we blink I do believe that I will be within reach. Thank you, B for the nice surprise. A thank you isn't even close to being enough...but it will have to do on here for this. Strongest person I know. Three more weeks.




I want to stand on the edge of the cliff and look all the way down. I want to then look up, to the left, the right...and smile in awe. I have the entire world at my finger tips. Nothing will stop me unless I let it. I have the power. Power is such a strange word with such a negative connotation in today's society. I use it loosely. Think of it as a ball of string that I am balancing in between my index finger and thumb. Gives a nice visual to having the whole world on a string. If you believe...you are endless. You are faithful, you are true, you are raw. If you understand the capacity of another...you are ready to share the knowledge. If you can honestly be kind to each person you meet along the way...your position is higher than you think. They are fighting a battle in which you know nothing about. Every single person is dealing with an internal conflict. A book character is the best way to describe a human. Each book character has an outside conflict in which everyone sees. The gossip...the wear and tear on the body...the voice and words that escape the mouth. Then...there is an internal conflict. This is a battle in which each person is dealing with on their own. Each night before a human lays down to sleep...reflection is had whether we would like it or not. Try and grasp that understanding is still misinterpreted. I want to live in a place where everyone quietly understands battles...and boldly embraces the fact that struggles just might in fact give us the character that embodies the very essence of who we stand to be. Stand to be something. Stand.

141. It could be worse.

Oh yes it could.

Lets talk about yesterday morning. Talk about a strange string of events. All in which were quite entertaining.

Woke up, ate crunch berries, craigslist, cleaned, family meeting, tears, speaking, tears, a resolution, more speaking.....and then a mexican hit my car with a phone book.

If you think I'm joking...walk around to the driver's side door of my car and take a gander at the new edition to the door dings. Its cute. This bro not only hit my car with his book...he then looked around and took off after he did it. haaha oh how sweet of him. Quite the arm the mister with no aim had. He needed to throw it a weeee bit higher for it to reach our doorstep. I think from now on I'm going to end every single story with "and then a mexican hit my car with a phone book."



Happiness is:

-new ringtones.
-crackberries.
-half cab green vans.
-ten dollar jeans from pac sun.
-knights ferry.
-my new work hours.
-fruit snacks shaped like fruit.
-pancake breakfasts.
-danielle freshness.
-mail.
-writing something over.
-going green.
-vegetables aka cucumbers.
-john mayers new live cd.
-phone books.
-catching up.
-staying ahead.
-flow so sick how could you not be infected.
-volunteering.
-captain crunch.
-timbaland cd.
-making paper. paper. paper.
-being above the influence.
-3 more weeks 3 more weeeeks!
-my journal.
-skateboarding on the hardwood.
-safeway.
-target.
-kohls with its sales whaaat.
-swimming.
-being tan.
-black tea lemonade sweetened.
-dancing with absolutely no music.
-dancing with music.
-praying.
-waking kaitlynn up.
-aunt jamiama.
-all so you think you can dance, dance, dance judges.
-polar bears.
-peanut butter mnms.
-driving.
-joe brooks.
-the mail man and his possible letters.
-beads.
-exclamation marks used in every text.
-reading during lunch breaks.
-cooper peasant.
-blue sky grey sky big sky open sky.
-oh me oh my.
-apple pie.
-opposite of big fat lies.
-when my wet hair dries.
-having money so I can go and buy.
-buy?
-bye!






Days. Are. Beautiful.

140. Writers block.

LH. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego Lauryn Hill?

Bring her baaack.

139. On the wall.

No one ever told me it was going to be this difficult. When someone told me to be strong I didn't even believe they deserved an answer. I am strong. I am strong.

I am weak.

I miss you...more than I myself can even believe. I've never missed someone. I just realized this now that I've never had that feeling of missing. I think there are two different definitions of missing someone. One definition of missing someone is simple. It is generic. It is lovely. It is being so happy to see the person again and know that the time will come and that it is so very easy to say you miss them. I don't overuse this phrase but some people do. The missing that I am feeling deep down inside right now is so brand new to me that I'm not even sure if I've gotten down to the very pit of it...or if I'm still in the state of figuring out the full effect. My heartbeat is irregular and has finally noticed your vacancy. I wish you could be here. It wishes you could be here too. You were always good at making it become a symphony outside my body with the backbeat of a heartbeat...my heartbeat...our heartbeats. I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I really really hope you miss me because...I miss you. I just told the world I never overuse this phrase...I'm about to become a hypocrite.

138. Numbers.

I look forward to numbers. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not so sure I've ever been looking forward or for so many numbers in my entire life. Let me explain.

One more week until poetry class ends.

Two more weeks until math class ends.

Three more weeks until work ends.

Four more weeks until the heart beats again.

After that numbers seem to skyrocket up to about 9 weeks til Victor comes home. 11 weeks until I start school. How much is an apartment. How much is tuition. Or we can get real crazy and ask how many weeks until Christmas. Okay I jumped the gun but I thought it would be cool.

I'm looking at the numbers on my clock and they say 12:41. That is past the time of hibernation for this young soul. I am off to bed.




I couldn't be more happy with numbers. I couldn't be more happy with hope...with days....with countdowns in general.

137. Where I am...Where I've been.

Hello earth...blog...readers.

I've been missing these past few days I realize. I went on vacation last weekend. It was a nice little trip with some of the best people on the face of this earth. The lifegivers took along Kaitlynn, Taylor, Dani, Katerina, and myself up to Pine Mountain Lake. Its about 20 minutes south of Yosemite. I used to travel up to Pine Mountain Lake in the summers when I was a kid. The last time I was there I do believe I was about 4 years old. Haha...16 years later and nothing had changed. Well nothing except this time we got to stay in a lake house as opposed to a cabin. I vote for the lake house for all future trips. Anyone with me (that is completely my materialistic conscious speaking...).

Day one went something like : drive.drive.traffic.dads fanny pack makes entrance...the "murse".knights ferry.lake house.spaghetti dinner.trash train.singing.singing.writing.goodnight.

Day two went a little more intense..follow suit: wake up with birds.eat muffins.drive 20 minutes to yosemite.ipod.park.walk.bus.snacks.bus.go rent the sweetest bikes youve ever seen.ride.mom does ninja roll.mom hops up from ninja roll with scrapes on her leg.ride.ride.ride.see a bear 5 feet from me.ride.views.pictures.eat.ride.bus.keychain.tree.ride home.lake.pizza.movie.trash train.write.goodnight.

Day three follows: wake up.lake.tricks.lake.pack.lunch.drive.music.music.music.sonic.yum.drive.drive.drive.

Successful trip alltogether. I needed it. Here are some pictures incase you didnt read what I just wrote. Haha. (Click to enlarge).




















































=]

136. Going, going, gone.

I suppose I left the he said, she said phrases along with high school almost three years ago to date.

However I still place blame on folks. As is accustomed to placing blame on me. In a sense we are all guilty for something in our lives. It is extremely hard to take the blame and move with the aftermath. I have a hard time admitting that I'm wrong. I hold faults just as any other human being on this planet. I ask the good Lord to help me in discovering that I, myself am full of mistakes and habits that have become all to familiar in the "wrong" category.

It blows my mind how many people I'm left with. I'm not a person who needs to hold a lot of ties in order to claim a status. The status is...Ashley. If you are with me then I can tell and if you claim to be with me then you better show it. In the past few months I have really made some life changing decisions that will stick with me into future months that will become years that will turn into how I live day to day. I wish some people would stick around long enough for me to have an impact. Or...vice versa. I like when people stick around. I enjoy when I learn things from people.

SDMDKDTDDLVLBBKR.



I've been reading this book. I'm almost finished with it and it's completely changed the way I view the world. Not many books have done that for me. I enjoy reading more than the average person, but I usually take what's expected from the book and move forward to the next. This is ultimately one of those reads that is meant to give you a little more than you bargain for. It's forcing me to think and reconsider how I'm living and where I'm living and why I'm living. I like questions that involve life. What's it all about and what am I, myself going to do to make a difference? So tiny and microscopic, and yet so large and in charge.

In the book he takes letters from readers and tries to answer their questions. One lady asks him the off the wall question of should she have a baby. Shes older, in her 40's, and is finally ready and settled to have a child. The only worry and concern she holds is that she doesn't think it is too wise to bring a child into an utterly corrupt world such as our own. She's scared of the child's future. The author agrees with her...but doesn't want to write that back. Instead he ponders...and then jots down a different phrase that stands out to me. I guess this can be carried in my days now as well.

"But I replied that what made being alive almost worthwhile for me, besides music, was all the saints I met, who could be anywhere. By saints I meant people who behaved decently in a strikingly indecent society."

Ha...oh how he captures the very heart and soul.


I've been listening to different music now a days. Theres a very cool artist by the name of Mat Kearney. His stuff is very powerful and he steps outside of the box with the way he both sings and says his words in the songs. I can thank Dan for introducing me to his music. Thanks Dan!

135. And the thorn in my side prevails.

I wrote a poem for my class two hours ago. It was early but I figured I'd get the assignment over with before the new work week appears and throws me around once more for a good 4 days. Who shows up to comment my work once again but the little miss who does not enjoy my writings. I'm not hating on criticism. If you have some...let me hear it. But I can't be doing things wrong every single time. There has got to be some good, some depth in what I'm producing. I refuse to let some young lady who calls herself mystic sorcerer bring me down. (you feel the tension?). I'm completely kidding. I respect what she has to say. With good comes bad I understand. Maybe she's Jesus taking an online class. In that case...bring it on and let the writings roll....or in this case ever so slightly stop by a sorcerer.


I've created ring tones. Yes, ringtones for my phone so I know who is calling and if I need to pick up. I'm not much of a phone person unless you're family or a select few. Haha that sounds a little strange but true in itself. I'm a texter. I always have been. Maybe subconsciously I don't enjoy people hearing my voice or something. Texting is a lot easier and doesn't consume time up. It's merely a pick up and go sort of thing. Now there are most definitely times when I like to ramble on and on to certain folks about life and it's happenings over the telephone. I think that's the way the world is working anyways. People need texting on their phone to make it legit. Teens, parents, even grandparents can keep up on the letter game. It's always fun getting texts I think. I'm a big supporter of it as you can see. Rock on text messaging, rock on.

Enjoy the week. Claim it. I'll write when I can.

134. Favorite Holiday.

The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. It always has been. It always will be. It's not because I go out and get crazy. Its not because I have a million things going that day. In this case, it's quite the opposite. I wake up just like any other day...and I relax. I take in the day and I enjoy the summer sun and the fact that I live in the coolest country (yes I am biased) on earth. I can stop and think and say I'd rather live somewhere else. Somewhere far far away, but I'd be lying to myself and everyone else who heard it. I'm excited for some bbq, some good family, some new music in my ears, and some fireworks. I'm easy to please.

Happiness is...
- waking up in the morning.
- speaking upstairs before bed.
- brown skin...I am more brown than you.
- paychecks that have many digits attached.
- tmobile not working.
- having a legit excuse for being MIA.
- new music.
- old music.
- music.
- not wearing shoes.
- lyrics that mean something.
- taylor acting as house maid.
- my journal.
- the writings that i produce daily.
- missing people.
- irony...all kinds of irony.
- fate and its twisted sense/definition of happy.
- food like bread.
- unexpected happenings.
- hitting kaitlynn and then making her laugh about it.
- i didn't hit her hard; breathe.
- telling my mom i need glasses just because i think they'd be cool.
- having a wonderful memory.
- getting a new pillow.
- aloe rid.
- smelling of chlorine in days that end with the letter y.
- bose headphones.
- victor coming home in less than two months.
- disneyland.
- pine mountain lake.
- definitely, maybe.
- kettle corn.
- songs that no one else can possibly understand.
- nostalgia.
- a man without a country.
- knowing that i have 10 million books to read over summer.
- smiling because i want to read them...and that's a lost art.
- art being the most beautiful lady, woman, man, gentleman i have ever seen.
- 6 weeks left.
- fake tattoos. you know...the stick on kind.
- "this boy" go listen.
- turning everyone onto one song for weeks and weeks and knowing i did that.
- being glad things didn't turn out one way, and that they are where they are.
- fans.
- sunscreen spf 90...you know..zinc.
- kidding.
- spf 50 for real.
- swimming swimming swimming.
- cleaning.
- seeing dad in a sweeeet neon jacket riding a bike when im driving home.
- watching lil mama say "kill't" and "turn't".
- watching lil mama.
- kaitlynn's hair being coopers texture.
- peasant.
- captain crunch.
- my arielle painting.
- her.
- bella vida.





I am one very happy girl these days. I think it's beautiful how things work out, you know. It's also very beautiful how one thing can turn your life completely around. Even when its not...around...if that makes any sense. The happening could be in the middle of space at the moment and I sit here in my chair believing that life can't become anymore lovely. And yet...to my surprise with every single passing moment and memory and idea that appears in my head...the level of beauty releases a brand new color for my eyes to take on. I have the color pallet right in front of me, and my arms can barely hold all of the vibrancy. Yes, it exists. Yes, it really is like that.


Happy Fourth of July. Happiness is.

133. Hello, July.

Greetings.

Summer is flying by. Days pass ever so quickly. Its rather absurd if you ask me. Can't life just slow down...just for a little while? That answer is rather easy to speak back to. No...seems ever so appropriate. Therefore I write. I find therapy in pages. I have works going on in all places. This being the last place I jot down happenings mainly because as these random days pass me by I have the minimal to zero time on a computer. If you know me...you would answer that statement with a quick, your sidekick has internet. Ehhh wrong answer try again. My sidekick is not working at the moment. Well, semi working. A work in progress if you will. Its broken. I don't text. I dont aim. I certainly dont go on the internet with it. I need to find time to call TMobile and order a new one. Or not. I dont reaaally need a new one. I have found life to be ever so pleasant without the convenience (or in the case inconvenience) of a cell phone attatched to my fingers from sun up to sun down.

Now what was I saying....ah yes...writings. Therapy in the pages I called it. I am currently in progress with many happenings along with the hectic life I lead. I have a personal journey of writings in which my eyes conveniently locate to only. I then have a book I'm reading. Its easily going to become one of my top 5 favorite books of all time and I know this even if I'm only halfway through the story. I then have an online poetry class to attend to. Lets speak about this.

I took the online poetry class for units. I took it because it was convenient with my schedule and I figured it would have minimal work involved seeing as how all it was was poetry...through a computer. I needed the extra A on my transcript along with 3 units to transfer. It's something I enjoy doing anyway so why not be rewarded for it in the long run. Mistake? ....I'm not sure yet. Its week three and I'm already uneasy. I didn't expect to go in wanting to learn about poetry and history and all of that. I will someday, trust me, but at this point in time I definately dont have the patience to learn the history attatched to this whole idea of words that fit together. Now I assumed this class would be me submitting a poem to my teacher once a week. Six poems...and I'm home free. Ehhh wrong answer...again. There is a discussion board. Yes...a discussion board where I must submit my poems onto each week to subject to critisism by the teacher and 50 some odd students. This would not be a problem. I actually found it interesting to branch my work out to people I dont know and see their reactions. All fun and games and a learning experience. Then....she showed up. She will remain nameless for the simple fact that I dont believe in sharing random people's names all over the internet when I myself dont even know who they are. She (nameless self proclaimed wonder) decides that each poem I write needs a negative comment attatched. Its become quite the pattern. Each comment from her starts with "Now...I know I'm no poet or anything...but". That right there folks...is a dead give away of me being pissed off. Critique my poems until the cows come home. Please do. If you dont like a word or a stanza...feel free to tell me what you didnt appretiate. But from my standpoint...where I see things...no one should ever have to apologize for art...ever...period. And for her telling herself shes not a poet..is a completely degrading statement in itself. Anyone who writes poetry is a poet. Bad poems, good poems...anything. She leaves lavish wonderous comments on each and every persons poems...but mine. I'm not sure if she has it out for me or what...but homegirl should please cool it. Maybe sometime soon I'll write a little poem in honor of her. She will digg it I'm sure.


This is long I know but I feel as though I dont post often enough so when I get around to it...I must make it worthwhile. I will try and come back soon I promise.

"Life is like the blink of an eye. What is that worth? Nothing. But the eye that blinks - that is something. I guess I blinked, on accident. Sometimes, though, I have found accidents to be the most fortuitous events in my life. You meet the one person who reminds you what you are, what you do, how to be happy."

I'm counting.